A Hard Dose of Reality

This is a post about emotions, weaknesses and mistakes... read at your own risk. I'm ashamed of my behavior but I feel like I need to record my experience. And maybe, just maybe it will help someone...

The past week has been trying. I don't know why, but it has. There have, of course, been great moments. However, it has been filled with weak moments more than I like to admit. Wednesday of last week is when it seemed to all start. I had expectations that weren't met and I let it get me down. I went to bed unhappy, maybe even angry. Thursday, rather than waking feeling refreshed and ready for a new day I was still brooding and the day didn't get better. By the time evening came and it was time for us to babysit our friend's kids I was at my wit's end. It seemed my patience had expired and was growing rancid. I wasn't very nice, but I didn't explode...

Wednesday of this week was the beginning of the end of that last statement. I was an emotional bomb waiting to go off. The fuse had been lit and every moment I was faced with something emotional I recognized I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to stay in control. I was physically exhausted. To the point that people could tell and asked if I was OK. I had an appointment with my counselor that afternoon and he could see the exhaustion in my countenance. I was unsure if it was physical tiredness affecting me emotionally or emotional tiredness affecting me physically. Either way I was either crying or yelling throughout much of the day. I had no motivation to do anything around the house, I told my mom, "I don't want to do life today, I just want to stay in bed." I was feeling not myself and detached from everything, including my family. So, in my need, I asked Ethan if he would sacrifice his one night a week basketball game and sit at home with me. I just needed to feel him close to me. There is something in his loving embrace that just sucks the negativity away and refuels me. Because he loves me, I sat that evening in his arms. We watched LOST. We talked about everyday things. Nothing life altering, but it was. At one point he held me extra close for just a second or two and I started to cry. It just felt so good.

Thursday morning I awoke feeling like a new woman. I cleaned, I painted, I played and read with the kids, I made jam, it was turning out to be a perfect day. My kids weren't being perfect, but I was handling it quite well (much better than the days prior). Jonas has been lying lately. He doesn't want to get in trouble or he just really wants to get his way and so he'll say things that aren't quite true. I admit it was wearing on me, but I was handling it. About 4:50 pm I was making one of the last batches of jam and I had asked the kids to clean their rooms to get ready for laundry day (today). Bryant was doing his and Jonas and Levi were resisting. I wasn't too worried about it. I would help them when I was done with my stuff.

I wasn't worried about it until Jonas came in to tell me that Levi was cutting up his mattress. What?!?! Levi had my kitchen shears for some reason and was cutting stuff up in his room. He hadn't quite made it to his foam mattress, but the cover for it was in shreds and his pillow had been cut open with the filling all tossed about the room. I lost it. I spanked his little bum and I yelled and I locked them in their room. But I was able to go about my tasks and be a mom to Eliza and Bryant. Bryant finished picking up his room and asked if he could play outside. I told him he could. A few minutes later I had this feeling in my gut that I needed to check on the playing outside. Rather than thinking of my response to what I might find I just reacted and went outside to find Jonas and Levi had snuck out their window. This is the moment I completely lost control and was filled with a fury that was frightening to myself. I yelled for them to get back in their room, I smacked Jonas, and when they were safely in their room I screamed and yelled some more. Then I slammed the door, locking it behind me. I was shaking. I went to my room and jumped in the shower. I needed a moment to get control. But it wouldn't come. I had sent Bryant to his room as well and he was asking if he could come out. I told him to stay there (in not as nice words as those) but mostly for his own protection. I was scaring myself. I called Ethan, talking is a really good thing for me to release pent up emotion. He didn't answer. So I called the next person that I could think of that would understand what I was experiencing, my dad. I was crying, maybe bawling. I told him that I didn't know what to do I was just so angry. I was standing with my back pinned against the wall, afraid to move but unable to hold still. My legs were running in place. I don't know exactly what I was experiencing, but I know it was scary and bad.

Within a couple minutes, my sweet hubby walked in and was quick to wrap his arms around me. He had someone dropping something off at our house, so he told me he'd be right back. But that little act of his arms sucking away the negativity helped me get control. I went into the boys' room to talk to them. I was still a crying mess, but my dad suggested that it would good for them to see the effect their behavior was having on me. I said, "You know better than..." talking about the things they had done that were not right. I said, "I know better than to yell at you and spank you, too. I'm sorry." I talked about how things have been hard for mommy and how having a baby in my belly affects my feelings. When I feel happy I feel really happy, sad really sad, and mad really mad. I explained that we all needed to do better and apologized again, but let them know that I really need their help right now. Jonas had tears in his eyes at this point and said again and again, "I'm sorry too, Mom." It was a sweet moment, but one I wished we didn't have to have. I was able to go about the rest of my evening, as were the boys and I was hopeful that my counselor is right when he says that I'm not ruining my kids.

This morning as I was reading my scriptures I was so impressed with the chapter I was reading that, rather than going on to the next chapter, I read it a couple times. It was Alma 38. Its the chapter where Alma is talking to his son Shiblon. The first thing that I loved was in verse 2 & 3,

"And now, my son, I trust that I shall have great joy in you, because of your steadiness and your faithfulness unto God; for as you have commenced in your youth to look to the Lord your God, even so I hope that you will continue in keeping his commandments; for blessed is he that endureth to the end. I say unto you, my son, that I have had great joy in thee already because of thy faithfulness and thy diligence, and thy patience and thy long suffering..."

I was thinking how much joy I have in my kids. I love them so much and I do appreciate their love of the Lord. I appreciate their forgiveness and patience and long suffering with me and the mistakes I make. And I trust the Lord will bless them for enduring to the end. I was thinking the verses would be awesome as signs on their walls, to remind them of how wonderful they are and can be. The next couple verses that I loved were more what I needed to hear for myself. In verse 5 it says,

"as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day."

Like I said when I was talking of Conference, I don't have big trials like a lot of people, but I do struggle internally a lot. I put a lot of pressure on myself and beat myself up a lot. I really appreciate all the reminders in the scriptures to put my trust in God and it will all work out.

Then I read verse 12 and its applicability to my explosive reaction yesterday was unbelievable,

" Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness."

I decided I need to print this out and have it in my view at all times. I think its interested that these three things are all mentioned in the same verse. I'll start with the end, "refrain from idleness" remember how I mentioned I was totally unmotivated Wednesday. I didn't want to "do life." That is Satan working on me. Thursday was such a better day because I was up and doing all day. I truly feel I was better able to deal with most things because I was heeding this counsel.

The next part I want to mention is "use boldness, but not overbearance." The cross reference to this is when Ammon is teaching King Lamoni and he boldly asks the king if he believes in God. When the king doesn't understand, rather than being overbearing, he puts it in language that is more on the king's level by asking if he believes in the Great Spirit. Through this bold move, Lamoni, his family, and many, many of his people learned the truth about their Savior Jesus Christ. I need to do better at this with my kids. Sometimes I expect more of them than is feasible. For example, I still have to supervise them cleaning their room.

And finally the most poignant to my situation, "bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love." I have remembered the bit about bridling your passions, but never given much thought to the latter portion of the statement, "that ye may be filled with love." That self-mastery is a way for me to be filled with love. If I can learn to steer clear of such rash reactions wherein I let my passions run wild, I will be more filled with love for my kids, myself, and my Savior. I'm not exactly sure how to do this (obviously), but I know it involves constant vigilance and prayer. Willpower is not enough, I need the Lord to help me to overcome this weakness.

And the final thought that left me with my jaw on my chest was this, Alma's counsel to his son to pray saying,

"O Lord, forgive my unworthiness, and remember my brethren in mercy-yea acknowledge your unworthiness before God at all times... And may the Lord bless your soul, and receive you at the last day into his kingdom, to sit down in peace."

I know I have a long way to go, but I love this little bit of teaching that Alma has given his son and therefore, to me. I hope and pray that I'm not ruining my kids and that someday I'll be worthy, through my loving Savior's atonement, to sit down in God's kingdom in peace.